A Writer's Escape

This is it: Graduation; and how could I possibly let an event like this pass by without saying anything? It’s that time in my life where I move on from childhood and into adulthood. I’m packing my things, saying my goodbyes, and savoring the memories.

I think it is kind of ironic that high school graduation seems like a much bigger deal than college graduation. You achieve more when you graduate college than high school, but I believe it’s the value of high school that makes it more important. High school is that growing stage when you start to become an adult. You find yourself a little bit and finally manage to get a good head on your shoulders. High school is a close-knit kind of thing, while college isn’t. High school is smaller, more adaptable while college is huge filled with thousands and thousands of kids you’ll never meet in your life, but happen to go to the same school with. Yes, college is an amazing achievement, but high school is a milestone. 

I’m going to miss a lot of things when leaving high school, but I’m going to start with the things I’m not going to miss, just to make this less sentimental. I’m not going to miss the social pressures and stress that comes with something as ridiculously overrated like prom. I’m not going to miss the snide comments from peers about how they can’t wait to get out of here and don’t take time to actually cherish the short time they have with their friends and family. I’m not going to miss the stupidity that is the dress code enforced at my school. Finally, I’m not going to miss hiding my phone under my desk as I try to text. 

All right, let’s get to the mushy-gushy stuff. I’ll miss my friends who are moving far away and my best friend who decided to stay back while I leave. But I’m only an hour away so I plan to visit her a lot. I’m going to miss my lifelong friend who is going to be 5 hours and 32 minutes away. I plan to text her though, even though it may take a day or two respond. I’ll miss the simplicity of high school. What may have been a difficult, earth-shattering problem in the past, now seems like a terrible overreaction. I’ll miss the games, the rallies, the overall feeling I got from being in high school. I’ll miss going to a store and recognizing someone even if I haven’t formally met him or her. I’ll miss how personal the teachers are and the light workload when compared to college. I’ll miss hugging the guy who managed to make all the pain go away for that moment. I’ll miss the guy who made me laugh at the stupidest stuff and took me to all my school dances. I’ll miss the girl who is the nicest person I have ever met and never asks for anything in return, besides your friendship. I’ll miss making fun of my friend’s boyfriend and seeing him trying to come up with a good comeback. I’ll miss arguing with the guy over everything even if we both knew we were wrong. I’ll miss the fun nights where my friends and I just sat around and did nothing, but talk all night. I’ll miss high school.   

This is life though and we cannot stay cemented in the present no matter how much we want to. I plan to see a bunch of tears on graduation night and maybe I may even shed some, but it’s a night I’ll be sure to never forget. It is the night the officially ends my high school career and I’m going to make it a night to remember. 

Life is hard. Excuse the crude use of language, but I’ll be going off a quote, “If life was easy, it would be a slut and not a bitch.” It may not be the most profound quote about life, but it sums it up quite well. 

Life is hard! Life is constantly filled with disappointments, heartbreaks, and tragedies. Everyone, one time or another, has felt that feeling. The feeling of everything closing up on you and you can’t grasp as to why everything is falling apart around you. You feel miserable and you can’t help but think “Why me?” Everybody goes through it in some shape or form. One person’s may seem completely devastating while another may not seem that big a deal. The difference is…the person.

Life is hard…but that’s the point. Where would the fun be if life was easy? I’m not saying that getting your ass handed to you is a fun challenge for you, but it’s that feeling. The feeling when everything seems to be going downhill and there will be that one person or thing to make it all better again. To make life easier to deal with. To make you smile again. That one thing…that makes life worth living.

What I’m trying to say is yeah, life may get hard sometimes, but don’t give up. Somewhere in this great big world there will be something to make things easier. Something to make the smile return to your face and make life not seem so bad. Life is a bitch. But it doesn’t mean you should let the bitch get to you. Happiness is the best revenge after all…so show that bitch a life worth living. A life of happiness.  

I feel like he is all we talk about anymore. In some way he is brought up and I try to act happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love that you and him are together. I’ve never seen you happier, but I feel like it’s always about him. 

When you’re upset it’s always him. You’d do anything for him. It’s always him that you hang out with now. Yeah, we have our brief car rides and time in class, but it’s not as fun anymore. 

To be honest, I’m afraid. I’m moving away, albeit not far, but still away. Are we going to stay friends? Or is he going to be a bigger priority for you? The time is ticking and I feel like when I leave, you’re not going to be there. 

I know you love him and I know he has changed you and how you view a lot of things. But, I can’t help but feel…unwanted, replaced, no longer needed to be a part of your life. Is it true? Do you even want to stay friends anymore?

We have those moments. When things are like how they used to be. It’s great and I cherish those moments more than you might think. However, it always seems to go back. Go back to you being with him and caring about what he thinks and what he feels. Do you even care about your friends anymore? Do you even do anything for yourself anymore?

I don’t hate him. In fact, he’s a really good friend. But, I can’t help but worry about our friendship. The way it is now, I can’t help but seeing us drift. I’m always there to try and cheer you up when he, involuntary, made you upset. Always there to try and come up with some advice for you. Always there to reassure you that everything will be all right. 

Was I like this when I was with my boyfriend? He meant a great deal to me and I loved him too. Did I talk about him as much as you do about him? Was I also this preoccupied about him the way you are with him? 

It could me being selfish and hell, even a little bit jealous, but I really don’t want to see this friendship end with something so minuscule blowing up in the end. I just want things to be how they used to be. Not how things are now and might end up being. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way and blame yourself completely for this. Don’t blame him either. This is just the way I feel.   

It’s that time of Senior Year when I start realizing who my real friends are and who are not real friends. I have had a lot of “best friends” throughout my life, but I have come to realize who my real best friends are. 

One I’ve known for years; practically my whole childhood. We only started to become really close in high school. Don’t get me wrong, we were friends, but not best friends. Things change though. I don’t know what or who to exactly thank for making us so close. It could have been that Driver’s Ed class, Chemistry class, or maybe Peer Counseling. I don’t know, but I know we’re closer than ever. Sure, there are the times when I want the slap the ever living crap out of her, but I know at the end of the day, I have her back and she has mine. I know she is always there to listen to me and make me feel a little better. She is there to make me laugh when I feel like shit and she is there to make my problems escape my mind. I don’t believe there is ever a time where I don’t laugh with her.

The second I’ve known for about four years now. I met her my freshmen year in a ridiculous class the school was trying to promote. We are pretty similar, but different in many ways. Yeah, we’re both quiet and shy, but while she is more sincere and sweet, I’m sarcastic and crude. There isn’t a day where I don’t text her and is probably the only person that I go back and read all our messages from months back. She is the person I will miss most when I go and the person I am determined to keep in my life. She is proud of me and that is something that I will never understand, but will always love about her. She is the person that I want to see happy all the time and sends me into a panic when she is upset. For all the times where she makes me smile, I only want to return the favor.

These two people mean the most to me out of all my friends. They are people that I hope will always remain in my life. They both help me when I’m down and I hope that I help them too. I don’t have many friends and I may have a lot of bad friends, but I know that these two are my true friends that I will always hold in my heart. 

“So, what are you trying to ask me?” Pam asked.

“I just need help writing this.” Ricky said pointing at a notepad.

“How am I supposed to help? She’s your girlfriend. I don’t know how you feel about her.” Pam said staring back at Ricky. Ricky sighed and tapped his pencil against the desk.

“She’s your best friend. Shouldn’t she tell you stuff?” Ricky asked.

“Yeah, but that still doesn’t mean I know how you feel about Lillian. This is your letter to her. Not mine.” Pam said before pushing away from the desk and walking away. Ricky sighed before looking down at the notepad in front of him. Shouldn’t this be easier? He was just a writing a simple letter to his girlfriend; his sweet, amazing girlfriend. Ricky smiled as he thought about all the times they had together.

They started out simple enough. Lillian asked him to Sadies and it basically began from there. Shortly after they started dating and now, nearly six months later, they were happily in love. Ricky could feel the inspiration flow through him and quickly started writing…

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and you are the best thing about my life. Of all the people I know, I can confidently say you are one of the few people who knows and understands me. You’ve seen me when I’m at my strongest and you’ve seen me when I’m at my weakest. For all the times that I’m at my weakest, I not only know that I can turn to you, but I know you will always be there no matter what to cheer me up. I’ve learned that sometimes it takes more strength to get back up after you have fallen than to stay standing. For all the times I have fallen and don’t think I have the strength to get back up, you are always there to give me the strength. You remind me what life is worth living for and for me that’s having people like you in my life.

I’ve also learned that size really doesn’t matter and even though you are smaller than me, I know you are mentally stronger than me. Despite how people may see you, you are not some helpless, little girl, you are so much more. Most importantly you are mine and you are my everything. It is your combined courage and love that gives my life reason. It is because of you that, what could have been the worst year of high school due to all the stress, is now the best and most memorable year of high school. Even though my only job is to make you happy, you’ve done a better job than I could have ever done.

When I told you that I didn’t get into any of the schools I applied to, I cried, but I assured you that some of the tears were tears of joy. For every negative there is a positive. So, even though I didn’t get into the school I wanted, it means that I can spend the next couple of years with you. I could say that I am going to make the next years better than the first, but nothing is better than perfect. Even so, I will try to make you happier than ever and I will start by asking you to…

College is an exciting, yet terrifying thought. I’ve been waiting most of my life to get here. Four years of agonizing tests, homework, and stupid drama, to finally end up here: waiting for that acceptance letter. That is where it becomes terrifying. I’m dead-set on going up north to college and if I don’t get into UC Davis, I don’t know if my mom will let me attend San Francisco State. However, this is not the scariest thought.

Along with going up north I’ll be far from any family or friends. Most of my friends are deciding to head down south while I choose to head up California. I’ll be practically alone. Sure, I’ll meet new people, but it won’t be the same. I won’t see my best friend practically everyday or know she’s a short drive away if I ever needed her. I won’t be able to hang around with my brother and laugh at all his stupid jokes. I won’t have a lot things that I have grown accostemed to.

I’m scared that I might lose all my friends. That’s what happened to my sister. When she got to college, she didn’t keep in contact with any of her high school friends. But my brother did. I don’t know what will happen to me, but I hope I have at least my best friends at the end of college with me.

I’m scared of a lot of things when it comes to college. But I’m hoping these next few months will bring reassurance. Reassurance that I’ll be fine and get through it all.

Monday makes it a year. A year since I was at my lowest. A year since happiness was a foreign thing to me. A year since I could have lost my life.

It’s an eerie feeling. To think that a year ago I was willing to give it all up. It’s hard to think about it and I try not to. But, it’s been a year and it’s hard not to think that I was once in that position. So close to death because the pain of the real world was just too much. It’s a haunting feeling. No matter how hard I try, it will always follow me; like a shadow, a dark shadow.

I’ve always been a person not to ask for help. I wasn’t raised that way, but with the life I grew up with, I was quick to become very self-reliant. I never spoke about my problems and never sought out for a solution. I always handled things myself. I handled friends’ problems and strangers’ problems, never my own. Everything was always pushed back into the crevices of my mind. They were to deal with later. I didn’t expect later to blow back so soon.

The day is always stuck in my hand. It’s a horrible thing to talk about and relive. I never felt so broken and vulnerable in my life before that day. I wanted anything else. I wanted silence. I wanted peace. I wanted to die.

I’ve become better throughout the months. I even consider myself happy now. Very happy. But I’m afraid. No, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of that feeling coming back. The feeling of being depressed every single day. The feeling of hopelessness. The feeling of not being worthy of life. I’m so scared. I’m moving away from my friends and family soon and will have no one. No one to rush to me when I collapse from the sorrow within myself. No one to tell me I’m loved and I’m worth it. Worth living.

I try not to think about the future nor the past. I live in the present, where I hope to stay. Everything is good now. Friends mean the world to me and family is better. But at this moment, I want to cry. I want to hug one of my friends and cry. Cry for hours and release all of my pain. All of my fears. All of my worries. I just want to cry and hope things will never change. I want to be happy for all of my life. I want to die at 87, not 17. I want to live.    

Monday will bring a lot of bad memories, but for right now, I’m going to say I’m worth this life I’m living.